Yet another oversized tank day. Served with a side of emotional throw-up.

Cause I mean it's Saturday. All we did today was clean the house and eat spicy chicken sandwiches from Wendys. Who get's dressed up for days like those?

Okay. Here's the truth. I'm already struggling with this. Not that I didn't know this was coming or anything. I guess I just hoped it wouldn't and even though I'm a little nervous about even talking about this so publicly, this blog is as much for me as it is for anyone reading it, so I'm going to have to be completely real about it. Even if it's only for my own sanity's sake. So here is me. A completely transparent me.

I'm not very good with clothes [I'm sure some people have already picked up on some of this!]. I mean, my boyfriend says I am and my sister says I am, and really I'm good at picking out things that look good on other people, but I have always been so insecure about me. About my "style". About the clothes I wear. About "my look". We're talking really really insecure. I remember being embarrassed about what I was wearing as early as fourth grade and it has carried on until well, days like today. I'm not sure why. I mean, on the humorous side, I really get the technicalities of what is "flattering" and not on different body types, on my body type. I get all that. I even think I get style as it changes. I'm pretty good at picking out things that are "in" and things that aren't. For some reason though, as soon as it comes to dressing me, I blank. I see something cute in the store, so I get it, wear it a couple times and realize that it's just "not me anymore". I have a closet full of clothes that I've bought just in the last year or so and yet I feel like none of it is a look I can pull off. Or a look that works on me. Or a look that I like. If it is then I probably don't have anything to go with it. Or maybe it's the only thing I do like so I've worn it every day for the past week.

I know how superficial it sounds, and I'm sure there have been way too many times in my life that I've let it really affect me. I just also feel like it's time to start pushing myself to the other side of this. Because it's frustrating. It's frustrating to look back at pictures of you in high school and only remember how inferior you felt wearing whatever outfit. It's frustrating to [at 21 years old] still have nights ruined by the fact that you're going to meet some of your boyfriends friends who you'd like to show you know, the "grown up" side of you to and you look back at the pictures realizing you were dressed like a 16 year old. It's frustrating to feel lazy every day because you'd rather just throw on an old tank top than try to make anything really work. And it's frustrating to not feel like you have anything to put on to wow your man on a date night.

You want a confession? I've been almost to tears on every outfit post thus far, and I just started. I keep laughing at myself even writing about this because I suppose it sounds pretty stupid to be worrying about you know, clothes. After so many years though, I feel like these are real emotions. Maybe it IS all in my head, but the point is, I'm really tired of it. I want to learn how to stop it. I want to learn to buy clothes that I'll still love a year from today so that I can eventually actually grow a wardrobe I love. I want to learn to put outfits together I can take pictures in, look back on, and still feel good about myself in. I want to learn to buy things that are versatile so I can mix and match. I want to fetching get excited to get dressed in the morning! I'm super done letting it affect me. I'm ready to feel good about me.

I was THIS CLOSE to giving up today. THIS close to accepting that I'll just never feel good about myself in anything I own. This close. You know what though? Half a batch of chocolate chip cookie dough and some seriously sweet reassuring from Levi later...I so want to stick this thing out. Here's why. I'm hoping it will teach me something about myself. It is going to be HARD for me at first. It has been hard for me. And I think it will continue to be hard for me. Challenges are what make us grow though, right? I mean, I didn't know anything about photography until years ago I committed myself to taking pictures every day. What better way to get better at something than to force yourself to try it. Over and over and over.

I don't know who I'm talking to. I suppose I'm just recording the journey. I suppose I want to embrace these emotions. Let myself feel them and then work through them, right? Use them to turn it around.

One side of me wants to delete everything I just wrote. It's dumb, isn't it? An entire post about clothes. Thinking so much about something so superficial. It's just a part of my life I need to change. A part of my life I need to work through. It would be nice to go into my 22nd year with a little less stress in my life, yes?

If I learn just a little more about myself than I knew before, I guess it'll be worth it. Don't worry, I'll get back to regular...uppity...posting tomorrow. Sorry for the bummer mood. I am so determined to get better at this!

Just a few from today. Both tops are Forever 21 [as usual, yes?] shorts are cut off BKE's, and the few minutes I was outside I just wore some super old Vans. Hope you're having a beautiful weekend!

[That last one is da boy's choice. He just likes it cause he knows dem kissy lips are for him. Annnnddd PS: SO proud of those bangs! I have an addiction to cutting them and it's been hardddd lately but today? I sure am glad I haven't!]