Mostly, we had a beautiful time in the emerald city.

Mostly.

While we weren't skipping down yellow brick roads and laughing in the face of the [biting] west wind though, we learned some things about the place. For example.

1. While we were pushing our way through Pikes, we learned that much of the human race has not yet figured out what "personal hygiene" actually entails. And the few that HAVE figured that one out are inevitably the ones who haven't even scratched the surface of public courtesy. Brilliant.
2. Before making an attempt to live on Bainbridge island, one must own one of each of the following. Mustard yellow over-sized pedal pushers, sage green over-sized pedal pushers, and cherry red over-sized pedal pushers [and don't forget the leather fur-lined vest to go with it].
3. Five days, is a [FREAKING] long time.
4. Save you're $4.50. The 1/2 cup, unstirred, package hot chocolate mix from Southwest Airlines [complimentary] is more worth it than the "Real Viente Hot Cocoa with Whip" from Tullys.
5. And don't even try to pull over to let someone pass you if you realize you're going too slow for them. They'll honk at you as they drive by no matter what - you might as well make 'em wait.

Now don't get me wrong, I think I can speak for both of us when I say that Seattle will always hold a special place in our hearts. It's where we started. It's our first kiss. It started us dreaming. It was a place we could both be ourselves and get to know each other. It was our first date.

And now really, we should be thanking it yet again, for bringing us to a [pretty major] realization.

IT'S COLD THERE. It's cold! And it's wet! And it's crowded and tiring and confusing and busy and, well, if we're being honest with you, it's not for us. Somewhere in mildew smelling crowds, we LOST us. Levi and Amalie got tangled up in the people and when "we" came out on the other side - it wasn't us anymore. We weren't laughing, we were worrying. We weren't dreaming, we were dwelling. We were gone.

It was frustrating, and stressful, and a little scary. At first I thought I was hating that Washington wasn't the Utopia that I had made it out to be in my head, but as Levi hesitatingly talked out not being sure about moving any time soon, my emotions surprised me. I wasn't scared that maybe we wouldn't end up in Washington. While we were sitting there in Taco Time, putting feelings into words for each other, I was scared of not being us.

So yes, I used to think that it was Seattle that made me so alive. I used to think it was the place that made me, me. I thought that that was where I found myself, and that's where I was supposed to BE myself. But guess what, folks? I was dead there. I was dead there, because we were dead there.

A couple nights before we left for Seattle, I made us tomato soup and grilled cheese. Before anyone makes any lack-of-ambition sarcastic comments, let me clarify. I didn't make just any tomato soup and grilled cheese. I made home made tomato soup with deluxe grilled cheese. I roasted the tomatoes, I added the seasonings [leaving out the onion courtesy for mah man, of course], I cut fresh french bread and mozzarella and cooked bacon, then I put it all together on a plate with a big cup of milk and set it in front of the boy. He told me it was the best tomato soup he'd ever had. He ate until he couldn't fit another bite. He kissed me [after we both rinsed with some STRONG mouthwash a couple times] and held me and thanked me. Then he did it all over again the next day when he busted out the left-overs. That? That, made my heart beat. That, was the freshest oxygen I've ever breathed. That, made me alive.

All this time I thought it was a place. I didn't realize that "Seattle" was standing right next to me.

I'm doing all right today. I'm not so worried about being in Arizona for a long time comin'. I'm not so worried because if "Seattle" means life to me, then Levi, is "Seattle". And Levi, will be right next to me no matter where I am.

Welcome home.

We're loving being here. Today we both worked - and it was Heaven. We split Costa Vida. We wrestled. We were just us. It was a beautiful Tuesday. It's a beautiful life.

Airport reminiscing on a cold Thanksgiving.

The last time I was in an airport, was when I flew to Arizona from Utah, just to be with Levi. We had only spent that week together - granted, it was a perfect week - but it was only a week. I didn't know what would happen between us. I didn't know if things would be the same, outside of the "vacation". I didn't know anything, really. Except that I wanted to be with him.

The couple days that I stayed in Utah were torture - I won't lie. Pathetic? Yes. True? Yes! Try spending every waking moment with someone you click with perfectly, who gets you, who takes the time to learn you, who talks to you, try spending every waking moment with them for an entire week [and practically another half] then go cold turkey [another term I don't quite understand, but it seems fitting given the day] to a text or two a day.

Yes, I have officially passed the point of no return. I no longer give a flying [insert foul noun here] if anybody calls me "sappy" or "cheesy" or "lovesick" or any other "I'm-so-disgusted-by-you-cause-you're-in-love-term". Call me crazy if you must, but I. COULD NOT. Live. With. Out. That. Boy. Even for only three days.

And truly it was, quite literally three days after he left Utah that I was sitting in that airport, an airport not very unlike this one. My mind racing. Going crazy just to be next to him. That was seven months ago and here we sit, together this time. Ready to head back to the place that started it all.

The part about me wanting to be with him hasn't changed a bit, the only difference now is, the question marks are gone. That's a good difference.

Happy Thanksgiving to you! I'm thankful for my life with Levi first and foremost. Everything else falls right into line after that. Enjoy your turkey!

Please tell me you've felt it.

There was just a moment.
What did you do in that moment?
What did the person in the cubicle next to you do in that moment?
What did the President of the United States just do in that moment?
What about the barista you got your coffee from this morning?
What about your brother?
What about your 7th grade english teacher?
What about her?
What about him?

What about this moment?
What did you do in that moment? 
What did the cute guy sitting across from you on the Subway do in that moment?
What was he thinking?
What were you thinking?
Was it a good moment?
Or was it wasted?

Don't worry, here comes another one.
How was that moment?
How was that moment for the people around you?
What would those people have said that moment was like for you?
Would they have said it was a good moment?
Would they have been encouraged to take charge of their next moment because of what you just did with yours?
Or would it have been wasted?

Sometimes I'm in awe at how many chances we have in this life. To make things right. To make our life what we want it to be. Not that there haven't definitely been times when I thought I had no control over those moments [and because of that, I really didn't], but even in those moments, just blink. There's the next.

Levi and I just realized yesterday that it was November 26th last year when he sent me the first email in the chain that led to Seattle. That means the entire last year of my life has had moments with Levi Chell Roberts in them. All the way from Moment Number One... Seeing his name pop up in my inbox. To which I responded, "Wow – pretty sure I choked on my hot chocolate when I saw “Levi Roberts” name in my inbox! Good to hear from you." I continued casually, and spent the night hitting refresh every five minutes waiting for that name in bold. To Moment Number Seven Thousand Five Hundred and Sixty Eight... Last night. I had a little bit of a nervous breakdown. Which he calmly let me talk out to him, and he re-assured me of his love and our life together through it all. Then he laid down with me and let me bury myself in his chest. He wrapped around me tight. "I'm little." I told him. "I know." he said, "You're allowed to be little sometimes." and he just held me. He just held me. 

There has never been a more perfect moment in my life.

Today I'm praying that every beating heart in this world has the chance, even if for just a moment, to feel as content - as perfectly, and completely content - as I did last night, escaping from everything, there in Levi's arms.

"It took me a long time, she said, to stop confusing safety with love." -Storypeople
I'm a firm believer that it's possible to feel both.

Today is going surprisingly quickly for an early Friday. Which is good. I have quite a bit to do tonight in Seattle preparation. Laundry being number one [number one on the list of my very LEAST favorite things to do anyway]. I also need to get something over to my sisters to take to my family's Thanksgiving on Thursday. Since we're going to be gone for it, I don't want them to think I wasn't thinking about them. I'm thinking Pumpkin Cheesecake Cupcakes. We'll see if it happens. Levi's probably working today - so much for that boy to get done before we leave. Vacations get a little stressy for him... We're excited though. I'm sure tonight will be busy as usual. We still need to watch Iron Man II. Maybe we'll actually get to that...wish us luck!

Whenever I'm cold.

I'm cold today.

Not quite this cold.

But pretty cold.

Cold enough to be thinking about this anyway.
Levi's favorite thing to do in Seattle is ride the ferry.
As it turns out, this girl actually likes it quite a bit too.
[That's surprising - I don't like water a single bit.]

This particular ferry ride consisted of sprinting up and down the deck trying to stay warm, ignoring the calls to "PLEASE RETURN TO YOUR VEHICLES", laughing as loud as we possibly could because we were the only [idiotic] people who dared the frigid outside, snapping pictures like we were drunk because we were shaking so bad, leaning into the wind, failing to talk through our chattering teeth, and other such nonsense.

Then. There was a moment. A moment when I don't remember feeling the cold at all. As the announcer made the "final call" to get back to the car deck, I ran back towards the door to the stairs. Levi caught me in the middle of it. He picked me up and swung me around. Quickly, at first, then slowly. As the spinning [all but] stopped, he let me down just low enough to be face to face. Then he kissed me. Another perfect kiss. Another perfect moment. Another footing lost as I fell helplessly and deeply in love with this perfect boy.

 It was one of those moments that doesn't happen unless it's written in a script.
Except of course if you're madly and hopelessly in love. Then those moments seem to happen all the time.
Which really is a good thing, because I could use the warmth.

I worked today, and even though the calendar said "Monday" I get to call this beautiful day, Thursday. Tomorrow is my last day at work then I'm off for T-Giving Break. I'm really quite excited. I came home and talked Levi's ear off while he finished up some work of his own. [I'm extra chatty when I get home from work, no one yet has quite figured out why. It's psychological, I'm sure.] Now we're outside doing some paving and enjoying the lovely company of the moths. The first of which Levi named Peter, and is convinced that this friend of his is only sleeping [I'm not so sure]. Then there was The Dark Night. Who chose his own fate when he confused my head as his landing ground. The most recent one didn't live long enough to even get a name.

Yes, we are aware we are sick, sick people. Thanks for the heads up. Nighty night.

On a Sunday.

Change.

What comes to mind when you hear that word? Do you puff out your chest and lock your jaw in an effort to tell the world, "I can take it!"? Or do you maybe sulk quietly into the nearest closet and shut the door hoping that no one will notice? Do you shrug your shoulders and brush it off, like it's no big deal?

Come on, people. Everyone likes being comfortable. Everyone likes to know what to expect. It's nice, time and again to have the security of a routine life. When something is different, oh how it tends to throw us off.

Yesterday we [Levi and I of course] were headed down to Fresh and Easy and when we got there Levi parked in a [completely] different parking spot than he usually does. Who does that?! I asked him what we were doing and why we were over here [and really all but threw a hissy fit]. He laughed at me and told me that it made him happy that change was a tough one for me to take, too. I laughed back and reminded him of my lets-take-a-stab-in-the-dark-and-decide-a-boy-is-worth-it-and-move-down-to-Arizona-within-the-week decision. Change? At least big change? I really, usually, tend to adjust pretty well. Levi on the other hand, has a hard time with it. The conversation continued and we started talking about [probably the biggest change in our near or not-so-near future]. Moving to Seattle.

Pause.

Ready for another [quick] background story? Once the week had come to an end and we were headed back to Utah, we were talking and laughing and cuddling and doing everything else you do on a 14 hour road trip with someone you just spent a week learning everything about [and basically falling in love with] and we started talking about "us" and "our dreams" again. [Even though, really, if we're being honest here we really still didn't even know what "us" was]. He started talking about me being a 12 hour road trip away and how hard it was going to be to not be able to see me every day. I started talking about how I wish we could have just stayed in Seattle and made our life there, just life. I'm not sure how it happened. All the sudden Levi was making a promise. No one will ever be able to say that the boy doesn't know how to take a chance. He told me, "I can make things happen. If you move to Arizona? I'll get us to Seattle in six months." Talk about stealing a girls heart. 

As a disclaimer and in my defense [and to save the boy some worry when he reads this to me in about five minutes], I would have come to Arizona anyway. Just being with Levi was definitely enough conviction for me to want to stay in Utah for as short a time as possible. My point of telling that story was solely as a foundation for today's.

 Play.

He talked about how nervous he was about the move. How much of a stretch it was going to be for him. Then, he set his face with a determined look and finished with, "But I'm going to do it. For you. We're going to get there." 

You know the song by Rascal Flatts? God Bless The Broken Road? "Every long lost dream, led me to where you are. Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars. Leading me on my way, into your loving arms. This much I know is true. That God blessed the broken road, that led me straight to you." I would have walked through fire if I'd known that it was leading toward getting to be with Levi. Getting to be with someone who can make up for me in the areas I lack, and who I can fill the cracks in, too. Whose dreams I can share. Whose dreams we can make happen together. I would have gone through anything to hear that I was helping someone who deserves so much, someone like Levi Roberts, get to where he wants to be. The fact that our dreams correlate so perfectly? Well that's just icing on the cake.

The point is, for this? I would have gone through anything.

SDD this week [Sunday Dinner at Dad's] was traditional. Perfectly shredable roast, mountains of mashed potatoes, enough gravy to soak your roll in. As usual, it was amazing. We stayed after to play poker - in which Levi smoked us all. Then stuck around to chat with our friend Whit for a while. We drove home enjoying the raindrops on the windshield and talked about how lovely it'll be to get to enjoy that up in Washington when we go in 3 days. Now that we're home I'm sitting in Levi's work room with him while he finishes up. We'll probably head downstairs for some Greys Anatomy or Iron Man 2 and leave the door open while we do. You just can't beat the smell of fresh rain mixing itself with the dust of the desert on a Sunday.

Trust in love.

Last night I had a headache. Levi got me some ibuprofen [I do NOT understand the "u" in that word - what a weird place for a letter like that] and some water. Then he sat down by me curled up on the couch and watched a basketball game on his laptop [very quietly, bless his heart]. He stayed there until I fell asleep.

Do you know what it's like? Just to have someone there? Even if you're not talking. Even if you're not doing anything "together". When you find the someone that sits with you even while you're [basically] asleep, just to be with you. That's when you know. Those are the kinds of moments that knock down those protective walls we all put up to guard ourselves. Those are the kind of moments, that force you to trust in love.

Those, and moments like these:

"How are your Cheerios?" I asked Levi, as he finished off the last few bites in his bowl.

He opened the box, looked inside and said, "How are you guys?"

Awesome.

We slept in today, per usual for a Saturday. Then commenced in the standard I-don't-want-you-to-go-to-work-yet tickle fight. He won [also per usual] and while he worked I sewed up some pants and a scarf that needed some help. Now he's out working on the patio. At some point if I can drag him away from that we need to go get some milk before Sunday, and I think I might get some chocolate chips for cookies. Craving much?

Oh, and for all you non-believers, here's proof that this girl helps her man with his manllyyyy projects:

 And how cute does he look in safety glasses? GEEZ I love this boy.

No ending in sight.

People have asked us if we thought it would "go away". They ask things like, "Don't you think it's going to fade though? I mean all relationships are fun at the beginning, right?" or when we do something for each other they say things like, "Yeah, I give that a year."

Ahem.

Just for the record...

I resent that statement! Levi's not an, "Okay, this is a good life, let's stop here." kind of person [it's one of the first things I loved about him]. I'm learning to be the same way. We don't settle. We're constantly finding ways to lift each other. We're constantly finding new things to love about each other and we're constantly talking about things we can do that keeps us growing together, as well as individually. That way we're moving forward together. I've noticed [one of] the main reason[s] relationships stop being "fun" after a period of time, is because people start to "just deal". Instead of continuing to improve, they just stop trying, like they hit a road block and they don't want to take the time to look at a map for a new route, even though there's one right in the glove box. They'd rather just wait until the blockage was cleared - but the problem is, sometimes it doesn't. [Metaphor Man saves the day!] Anyways I know I've been there, but I think the important thing is that we're not now.

We were walking through the neighborhoods around Alki Beach and we walked past an elderly couple getting into the car. The man opened the door for his wife and she smiled at him [so sweetly] as she sat down. You could just tell they were still in love. As we walked by the man waved at us and wished us a great afternoon. They LOVED their life. They loved being together. They were so obviously happy. It just radiated off of them! I think about them all the time - and they're a lot of the reason that my answers to all these questions are the same every time.

No, I don't believe for a second that Levi and I will ever stop loving our lives together. Yes, I actually do believe that five years from now, if I get up from the table to get myself a drink, I'll still ask Levi if he needs anything while I'm up. And yes, I do believe that when we're old and gray, Levi will still open up my door for me, and I'll still smile at him like I love him.

Why? Because I still will. And I'll love him more then than I do now, because I love him more today than I did yesterday, and I loved him more yesterday than the day before, and on and on and on and on and on...

There's no end to a path like that.

TGIF. It's a work day just like any other for this girl today. Except that the dogs murdered a lizard right in front of me and it [very nearly] killed me. I shooed them away and wrapped the poor thing in a napkin for it's proper burial. That's the kind of stupid thing that breaks muh lil' heart. 5 second moment of silence for the dude.
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Levi took [almost] the entire day off of paving yesterday so he could get some work done, I'm sure he's back at it this afternoon. I hope so anyway, I can't wait to see it all finished and I can't wait for the next step so I can help again! [This part is kind of a one person job, he says "keeping him company is enough" but I feel better when I'm doing some of the physical work.] Either way, plenty to do to keep us busy this weekend. Including getting ready for Seattle! Only 6 more days - that's less than a week! Hip hip hooray!

Just the start of a countdown.

Fact. I haven't had a single minute to sit down and write a post for today. It's gonna be a tiny one.

One week to Thanksgiving! For Levi and I, this means one week until we get to head back to Seattle, too. We're going up to spend the holiday with Levi's [almost] entire family - we feel really blessed to be able to. And oh goodness, I really couldn't be more excited.

There's just something about flying halfway across the country for dinner. Everything just tastes THAT much better!

I came home today and told Levi about the packing list I started [I think that should be embarrassing, cause...who makes packing lists?? It gets me excited though, I've always done it. Don't be judgy.]. He said it was adorable. I'm glad he likes my [weird] quirks.

He was just getting ready to do some work on the patio when I got home today. I went out and sat with him and talked out some things on my mind. Then we decided we'd been going a little too much lately, so we decided a little outing was in order. We went out to Costa Vida and ate there. [I know, it was supposed to be a Zumies night, don't tell Louis.] As for the rest of the night...let's just say, I don't think I'll mind doing not, a single, thing.

THE COUPLE.

When I worked at Bajio Mexican Grill [the blessed job that unknowingly introduced me to the love of my life], there were three of them. Three of those couples that are always everyone's favorite because everyone wants to be like them. They always came in together. They were always smiling. They were always willing to talk to you about your [all the sudden seemingly depressing] love life. They inspired you and encouraged you. They made you want to wait it out for the one that made you as happy as they were.

In Seattle, on our first day downtown, we went to this little grocery store where they sold pasta salads and other such deliciousness. While we sat at their tall tables by the window and looked out over Pikes, a man approached us. He had seen my camera and was wondering if I had a zoom lens and if I knew much about it. He told us how he and his wife could see an Eagles Nest from their house and they kept trying to get pictures, but just couldn't get close enough with their kit lens. He talked to us about how he owned the little grocery store and the hot dog shop next door. He just talked to us. He talked to us, because we were approachable, and happy, and together.

The next day when we went to Bainbridge Island, the ladies in the grocery store treated us the same way. I calmed my ever imaginative [and easily carried away] brain with things like, "Well, we're the tourists. They just talk to us like that cause we're the tourists." or, "Well sure they talk to us like that. Levi's hot.".

However. Last night we went to Lowes [an extremely common occurrence, like, we're there at least three nights on a slow week]. When we walked in, the lady cashier - Susan - rushed over and said hi. She asked us what we were working on this week and immediately called the specialist in the area we needed. At which point Jeremy came over and said hey. He talked to us about his pool business as we walked back to the bricks with him. After we got the bricks loaded RJ walked out and joked with us about how low the truck was riding. He said he'd be in in a minute to help us with our paint - per usual. When it was time to check out, Joe was ready and waiting with the last four digits of Levi's card already punched in. He said hi and talked about how busy the night was.

Confession: I think we might be THE COUPLE.

I'd like to take a moment to publicly apologize to those of the human race who find this behavior disgusting, rude, arrogant or vile. I know there is many a person out there who thinks this blissful state of mind that us labeled as "the couple" reach is nothing but a lie. I know the majority of people in this world find that love is all a big joke and that faking it and living that unhappy journey is the only possible way. To you, I sincerely apologize and do truly promise that as soon as I find this smile on my face being forced in any way, by even one muscle, I will join you in the gall of bitterness and submit my life to false joys and masked action. [I don't have a bible next to me but I raised my right hand when I said that. Will that suffice?]

However. I would also like to take a moment to publicly dispute all charges pressed against me and directly submit all blame to the second name in this case of geez-those-people-are-so-happy-they-make-me-want-to-puke-a-little-bit: LEVI ROBERTS. If he didn't always ask me how my day was like he really wanted to know. If he wasn't constantly taking the time to tell me what he appreciated about me. If he didn't over and over make certain that I and the rest of the world knew that I was his and only his for the rest of time. If he wasn't so amazing at listening to everything I had to say and truly responding. If he would just stop making such a point of loving us growing together, and independently. If he just wasn't so perfectly my second half.

I promise, I'd be able to wipe this smile off my face a LOT more often.

Today I got to come home to [like any of us didn't see this one coming...] him cutting brick in the garage and handing me a sand paper block to start readying the patio for brick laying! It's a charmed life, this being in love stuff! My phone rang three times today [Which is a record! I don't even remember the last time it rang once!]. I talked to my grandma, Levi's sister Lindsey, and some lady looking for Giselle. [Hey, it's better than nothing!] You already know what Levi did all day. While he finished up some bricking, I went and got us Costa Vida where our friend Louis informed me that we are now only allowed our burrito on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays when he's working. On Tuesdays and Thursdays we're supposed to go see him at Zumies. [THE COUPLE alert. Told you so.]

The orange chicken didn't happen last night.

He bought a table saw.
Yesterday.
He went to Lowes to look at brick color for our patio,
and he came home with a table saw.
It happens, when you're Levi Roberts.

Heaven knows I tried to stick to the orange chicken plan. I think I stayed inside for an entire minute and a half after he showed it to me [bubbling with manly excitement the entire time] before rushing to the garage and making sure I hadn't missed out on helping him set it up. It's funny that once upon a time, I thought it was "normal" to not do those kinds of thing together. Now I wouldn't miss it for the world [or even for a batch of orange chicken].

I know some people think it's pathetic and unnecessary, I probably would have agreed before Levi and I became, well, Levi and I. But when you become each others go-to person, when you know you can turn to them for everything [even stuff like setting up a new table saw] life becomes that much more enjoyable.

I know I'm supposed to be telling a story, so I promise not every post will solely be a shout out to the man I love, but can I have just a minute? I'll talk fast.

Levi Chell you stop my heart. You literally, stop my heart. Yesterday you hugged me, and my knees almost buckled. From a hug! Just because it's you! I feel like you see me. I feel like you see a me that no one ever has. I feel like only you will ever see the complete me because I'm only complete, with you. Remember the lake? Remember when we were sitting face to face on the jet ski and you kissed me and I just blurted out "I love you" because I couldn't even control it from escaping my lips? It's been 6 months from that and I still can't hold it in. I want to shout it on the roof tops. I want to climb Mt. Everest and post a flag that says I'm madly in love with you. And if I went to the moon, I'd write the same thing in the sand.

I love coming home to table saws. To table saws, and to ceiling fans, and to paint chips and new trees. I love it because it means you'll get that little boy I-just-wrote-"I love Mommy"-on-the-living-room-wall look on your face and ask me to help you and babe? The answer will always be yes. It'll always be yes because I want you to always be able to get excited about the things that make you happy to me. I never want to lose the privilege of being the one you turn to when you're upset, or sad, or sick, but especially when you're happy. I am such a lucky girl because of you. I. Love. You.

Was I under a minute? Thanks for indulging! I did however, get the marinade made last night so orange chicken tonight is a must. I also have been putting off for too long and really need to go get a pair of jeans or two. I'm the kind that picks a favorite and wears 'em out but it's getting a bit ridiculous. Jeans with holes in Seattle in November? I think not. Levi had a lot of work to get done today, but I'm sure he kicked butt on it this morning so we could [hopefully] get started on our patio and put that new table saw to work as soon as this girl gets home! Yeeeehaw!

He really is.

you stand by me

and you believe in me
like nobody ever has
when my world goes crazy
you're right there to save me
you make me see how much i have

you're more than a lover
there could never be another
to make me feel the way you do
oh we just get closer
i fall in love all over
every time i look at you
i don't know where i'd be
without you here with me

life with you makes perfect sense
you're my best friend

As I walked out the door for work [at stupid-o-clock] this morning, I dropped my keys 3 times because my fingers were too frozen to grip them. In Arizona? 60 may as well be freezing point. Don't get me wrong, I love the cold, and I wish we [already] lived somewhere this cold front was a little more common, but, QUE SERA SERA, we're here, so my body isn't quite trained to function in such [ridiculous-shouldn't-be-liveable-for-the-human-race] weather. Luckily, the Frys just down the street was genius enough to embed a little Starbucks into their architecture. Two minutes after finally getting the keys in the ignition [which proves to be more difficult than anticipated when you're hands are both shaking harder than a jack hammer on asphalt] I was huddled over a steaming cup of hot chocolate trying to defrost. As I held the pretty red cup to my nose [in an effort to avoid the ever dreaded and constant winter worry...the snot-cicle] my eyes focused on the green circle and that lovely world-renown lady and for just a moment, I was back in Seattle. I was sitting at the top of the space needle, at those tall round tables, watching the cute barista sweep up her little space right next to the elevator. Levi was sitting across from me, watching me play nervously with my already empty venti hot cocoa. He had just asked me a question. [No, not THAT question. Come on people, do you see a ring on this finger?] He had just asked me to tell him exactly how I pictured my life. My life in Seattle. If I had my way exactly, if I could live my dream, what would it be. To be honest, I don't even remember exactly what I said. I'm pretty sure I mentioned something about Steve Madden boots, red jeans and a mustard yellow [perfectly fitting] button up. [Bless that boy for seeing past my shallow outer shell.] As we danced around the conversation, he was tender, but firm, he asked question after question, detail after detail, and all of the sudden, I let myself dream. He got me to think past "realistic" [which in my mind meant downsizing, and downsizing big]. And more than getting me to think past it, he made me change what I viewed as "realistic". All of the sudden, four days and fifteen+ hot chocolates later, I was talking about art school and photography and downtown apartments and meet-me-at-the-cafe-down-the-street lunch breaks. It was probably about the time he clarified that "it was okay to include him in these dreams of mine, because he planned on being there" that I realized. At some point through all the late night emails, the hours together on the open road, the half-asleep slap-happy conversations as we went to bed, at some point through the last four months, and more specifically the last four days, Levi Chell Roberts had become my best friend. That life I made up? That life with him? It made perfect sense. Someone in the parking spot next to me must have been having trouble getting their hands steadied too because they hit the "panic" button instead of the "unlock" button, which will snap anyone back in to reality in an instant - take it from me. I was almost disappointed when I looked around at the familiar scene, but that never lasts long. The perfect outfit, the perfect apartment, none of it would even matter without Levi there [hey, I told you this was a love story, if you can't take the cheese, then don't read it]. The fact that I get to wake up and go home to him everyday? That, is the part that makes sense. And when you find the something in your life that makes everything else not seem to matter? When you find the missing piece to this crazy puzzle of a world we live in?

That's something you're not going to want to let go of.
That's a promise.

Contrary to popular belief, I happen to think Monday's are the greatest day of the week. It's a fresh start, and today is no different! As I mentioned, work started early for me this morning [Katie had a meeting to get to]. I don't mind though, sleepy kids faces are enough to make it worth it. Levi and I will probably go get some new movies tonight [three fist-pumps for Blockbusters 3 for $15 or 5 for $20 deals!]. Also I'm sure he'll continue charging ahead on his hammock [which is coming along quite nicely] and he may even want to go get paint to start the upstairs. Lucky me! I'm going to try this recipe for dinner because last nights Paella left-overs smell like orange chicken [go figure] and now I want some. Wish me luck.

It's a milk toast morning...for him.

Levi is eating Milk Toast.
Do you know about Milk Toast?

I didn't either. He told me about Milk Toast at the end of our [perfect] week together in Seattle as we were driving back to Utah. "First," he said, "you fill a bowl up with milk, right about halfway. Then," he continued, "you crack two eggs into the milk. You microwave this for 3 to 3 and a half minutes, just until the egg cooks into the milk." At this point I'm getting a little iffy but it still sounds do-able to me. Then, he told me the next step. "While it's in the microwave, you toast and butter two pieces of bread. Still with me?" Not so sure what to expect, I respond with the loudest "..." you've ever heard. He laughs and reassures me that it gets better, then finishes. "Once you take the milk and egg out of the microwave, you mash the egg up into the milk, then you take your toast, tear it up into tiny bits and add that to the bowl. A little salt and pepper and you're ready to enjoy!"

...

His smile starts to fade.

My smile has long since faded [and my throat may be making little gagging sounds].

He's the first one [able] to speak.

"Sounds kind of disgusting when you talk it out, like that, doesn't it?"

The gagging stopped long enough for me to let out a resounding "UGHHHH!" and we both started laughing. Here's the thing with people like me with over-active gag reflexes. Bread doesn't get to touch liquids. It just doesn't happen. You can only imagine how far from good this "Milk Toast" was sounding to me. The first time he made it in front of me was probably about two months after living with him down here and [to my everlasting credit] I did try a bite. Guess what?

It tastes exactly how it sounds.

So to all you people with superhero gag reflexes, to those of you that can go to the dentist and get a mold made of your mouth [you know, the purple stuff] without your eyes watering, to those of you that can let the doctor take a swab of [whatever] from the back of your throat when your glands are all swollen and it doesn't even phase you, to you people?

ENJOY YOUR MILK TOAST.

Today is Sunday and I slept in [a really really really long time]. Sounds lovely but I always have ridiculously dumb and frustrating dreams when I force myself back to sleep after my natural sleep cycle has come to an end. Today it involved horrible jean salesmen, dancing men in frog costumes, single person canoes, and murderous jack-o-lanterns. Levi has been upstairs preparing Fantasy Football for the day and now we're both off to get ready to head over to his dad's for Sunday dinner. Aka: the reason I LOVE this day of the week!

We're happily ruined.

"You know, you've pretty much ruined me for any other man."

I told Levi this morning as we went on an "adventure" around the backyard.
I had just [jokingly] accused him of not stopping me from [accidentally] smacking my finger on something.
He didn't deny that he had anything to do with it [which he didn't].
There was no way he was going to turn it around and tell me I should have stopped myself [which I should have].

Oh no.
He just apologized and told me he'd be "watchin' me more closely next time".

People just don't get this lucky.

As we were walking inside, I mentioned the [obvious and unfortunate distress] that the Sun Devils aren't playing until 5:30 this evening, but that it was probably okay considering that they're playing Stanford and watching it would really only provide further emotional agony anyway.

To which he responded:
"You know, you've pretty much ruined me for any other girl."

Maybe, just maybe, people DO get this lucky.

Today is Saturday and it's a pretty lazy one. I cleaned the kitchen this morning [I even wiped the counters off which, ask anyone, is a pretty big feat for this girl]. Levi worked most of the morning and then came downstairs where we got distracted with left over no-bakes and "The Negotiator" on TV. Now he's outside working on his yard for a bit while I update my [quiet and uneventful] online life. Oh, and I just gave the mailman a Gatorade because he's the coolest.

It's a simple love.

You know how as you're growing up you hear [all the big] people say things like...

"If only I'd known then, what I know now..."

"If I would have figured this out ten years ago..."

"If I could go back in time, I'd tell myself..."

Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

I don't know about you, but I never wanted to be one of those people. Well, maybe I do know about you. I don't think anyone grows up wanting to be someone who looks back on their past with remorse, regret, discouragement. If you're anything like me [and really you probably are] you grew up telling yourself things like,

"I know what I'm doing..."

"I already know who I am..."

"Yeah but I really know what I want..."

Etc.
Etc.
Etc.
You know what I'm talking about. You know it because it's biologically and scientifically and naturally instilled in us all as human beings. Fact.

Here's the catch. I think there's a huge part of it ["it" being this crazy little thing called life] that some of us forget. Or rather, some of us just don't realize. Or rather, some of us just don't let ourselves have the opportunity to realize. Or rather, just kidding.

Our first day in Seattle [Levi and I's first day in Seattle, in case you haven't yet picked up on this being our story], as we walked through the Farmers Market we stopped for a minute at a certain lookout point to watch the ferries crossing to Bainbridge Island. He stole my camera and snapped shot after shot of me [and my blushing cheeks]. After a few quiet moments he must have gotten one he liked, because in one fell swoop [which phrase I've never understood] he hung the strap back on my shoulder, followed it with that hand down to the small of my back, pulled me against him, used his other hand to tilt my head upward and pressed his lips gently but securely against mine. Before I even knew what happened. The boy literally, took my breath away.

Sound like a scene from a movie? Trust me, I know. But THAT, is exactly my point. I know there are many a perfect first kiss stories out there, but I sure as heck had never had one. Sometime during that day I made the connection. I realized that being with him, strolling hand in hand down those city streets laughing and talking and sipping hot cocoa and dreaming, it wasn't forced. That moment I won't have to look back on with the woulda-coulda-shoulda-blues because instead of trying to make my life something it wasn't, I was just loving what it was. And that moment I didn't have to tell myself "I knew what I was doing" because I was finally accepting that I didn't. What could be simpler than that?

Those first days with Levi were the first in a long time that I'd want to live over and over and over. And guess what? That hasn't changed. This morning as I was leaving the house to go to work Levi rolled over, opened his eyes halfway and gave me the cutest half-awake smile I've ever seen. It said, "There ain't no way I'm awake enough to form any competent words right now but I loved sleeping next to you last night and I hope you have a great day with your kids. I'll be counting down the minutes until you get home!" I would give anything to go back in time, press pause, and just enjoy that tiny moment again and again because it's those moments that remind me [daily] that life just really isn't that complicated. In fact, it's really simple. Being really happy, doesn't need excuses or reasoning. Being really happy happens when you learn to just live and let live. And, of course, since this is a love story, it certainly doesn't hurt to find the person who fills the part of you that you didn't know was missing.

It certainly helped me.

Today is Friday [Payday for me, Cheers!]! Levi sold my violin for me this morning, finally. I'm so glad that lady wanted it. That thing had been sitting in closets and attics and dark, creaky bedrooms for far too long - that's no life for an instrument that could be doing this. [I think that kid is amazing. If you didn't click on that link, just do it. Party pooper.] I brought Costa Vida home and we ate some of that together while we talked about our days. Now we're listening to the Suns game and hoping desperately that we keep up with our lead!

We fell asleep.

Last night when Levi and I were all ready for bed, he laid down with his iPod [which he reads news on as he's drifting off each night] and I laid down beside him and wrapped my arm over his side where he held my hand tight and pulled me even closer. Then we fell asleep.

We fell asleep.

Background: Yesterday I wrote about the day I changed the ending of my story. Now let me write about that night. Oh we talked about driving all the way through [Utah to Seattle]. We talked about caffeine and loud music and conversations about life. We talked about it, but our bodies had different ideas. I started to drift and trying to keep him awake got harder and harder. So we stopped. We stopped at the Fairfield Marriott where it hardly seemed decent of me to horde the queen size mattress all to myself when he was the one doing the driving anyway. So yes. Call me crazy, we had barely even held hands yet but I slept with that boy [the one I hadn't seen for two plus years] the first night we were together. That night, I laid down to fall asleep and he wrapped around me and never let go.

I slept for maybe an hour. Mostly? I just laid there with my eyes closed hoping not to wake him up with the sound of my heart pounding in my chest. Mostly I just enjoyed being held. But I didn't sleep.

F a s t f o r w a r d to today. Last night, to be specific. We fell asleep.

Do you get it now? There's a point you reach in relationships, a fork in the road perhaps, maybe just a mile marker, but either way, at some point things can go one of two ways. They either stop working, or they just become life. At some point you stop having to try, you stop having to second guess, you stop having to adjust, and you and he, he and you, it just becomes life. It's comfortable. It's safe. It's natural.

ITS
JUST
LIFE

It's a moment worth getting to.

Today I had work off because of Veterans Day [Katie, who I nanny for is a teacher - her holidays are my holidays]. I finished editing on a photo shoot that I've been needing to deliver. Levi worked some more on his hammock that we're [he's] re-finishing. I watched him play a game of pool with himself. We talked Fantasy Basketball. He told me he loved when I do my eye make-up the way I did it today. We're loving the fact that it's [finally] cold today so we're celebrating by wearing jackets inside. And last but not least, we're listening to "Coming Home" by Diddy and Dirty Money [good luck finding it online but if you do, it's an awesome find].

"Nobody can go back...

...and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."

said Maria Robinson. I don't know who that lady is, but she knew what she was talking about.

Monday, April 19, 2010. The day I made myself a new ending. I may not have known it at the time, but that is exactly what I did. I jumped into a [big, black] truck with a boy I hadn't seen in two [plus] years and we drove to Seattle. Just the two of us, just for fun, just for a [whole entire] week.

How was I to know that boy was the love of my life?

The thing is, that IS the thing. You never DO know. The most random, spontaneous, could have been a disaster but I took the risk anyway, out of the blue choice I've ever made? Also turned out to be the best choice. It changed my whole life. It was a moment. It was a moment that led me to where I'm at now. Spending every day smiling with the only person in the world that my heart beats for.

So this is our life, this is our story.
This is us.