I'm excited for 2011 because...

...because I get to be with him.
...because with him, I'm more me than ever before.
...because the me I am with him, I can feel good about.
...because I feel good about where I'm at in life, with him.
...because when I'm with him, I feel like I'm going somewhere.
...because we're going somewhere together.
...because when we're together, we're happy.
...because we're happy with who we are together.

...just because we're happy.

Today, assuming that no one could ever possibly be happy having to put up with me full time for more that a couple days at a time, I told Levi how excited I was to get back to work on Monday. His response shouldn't have surprised me, but because my brain enjoys fighting with itself over my value in life, it did. He looked at me with a disappointed look on his face and said, "Really? Cause I'm kind of not." It got me thinking about the turn this year took in my life. I think I'd quite enjoy putting January of 2010 Amalie in the same room with January of 2011 Amalie just to see what would happen. I imagine 2010 me, would worry herself sick over how they were going to get out, if they were going to get out, and what everyone would think of her getting herself in there in the first place! She would pace up and down, peer out all the slits in the windows, try to focus one eye on whatever was under the crack in the door, but if she DID happen to see anyone heading their way, she'd run to the other side of the room, strike some [casual] pose and hope they didn't think she was desperate, or worried, or sad, or upset, or anything less than the level-headed, self-reliant and self-confident, fun-loving person she, herself wished she was. Meanwhile, 2011 me walks over to the door, opens it, and carries on with a smile at the onlookers on her way out.

It's just time. It was time for me to open that door. I feel so blessed to have made it to the other side, where Levi seemed to be waiting for me. He was there, with open arms, with an open heart, and he was there to hold me up until I realized I could walk on my own. There are always people, on the road of life to help you along the way, but Levi felt like a destination. He's my better half. In every way that anyone has ever used that term, he truly is. I'm excited for 2011 because to me, it's a symbol of moving forward. The fact that I get to be with Levi this year, the fact that we get to make plans for the year together, the fact that my heart feels strong and complete having him by my side, makes this year, the one I'm ready for. It makes this one, the first year of my life.


Thanks babe, for making my world brand new. This year, is gonna be the bestest.

Our 2010

We decided we're a little bit boring, but neither of us could think of anything better to do on New Years Eve than to just stay home. We're going to sip sparkling cider next to the fire [because AZ finally decided to cool down a little] and kiss at midnight. Because we're home. And we can. Personally? New Years Eve of my freakin' dreams!

Happy New Years Everyone!

The Butterfly Effect.

I painted the upstairs today.
Yep.
All of it.
Well.
Practically.
I still have like one wall.
[Geez that's a lot of work.]

Not the point.

The point is, at one point, I was standing in the hallway finishing up some cutting in, and Levi needed to get by. He could have just scooted by, unnoticed. He could have excused me and waited for me to move.

But no.
That's just not Levi.
Levi puts his hands around my waist and slides them around me as he wedges himself through the [tiny] space between me and the wall.
Oh.
And he does the same, on the way back through.

You know what that tells me?
Not much, really.

Just that he's glad I'm here, and that he appreciates me, and that he loves me, and that he's always thinking outside himself.

I stopped for a minute after he passed by the first time and thought about it. I thought about how many butterflies he had made my stomach birth at that moment [I decided at least seven]. Then I thought about the first time he had given me butterflies. [First, my mind threw me into the big black truck on the way to Seattle when he laced his fingers through mine on the back of the seat for the first time. Then, I scratched that because there was a moment three years ago when we were standing in a park Heaven only knows where and for just a minute, our faces were ridiculously close. Those butterflies, had to have ADHD or something.] Back to the hallway. I had just gotten the fluttering to stop, when he passed back through.

The whole process started over again.

Sure it may have taken me a couple extra minutes to finish that particular wall, but considering the way Levi looked at me tonight [in my over-sized tee with my hair all pulled back and all 65 inches of me streaked with paint] as he asked me what I wanted for dinner, I have a feeling I'll be needing to put up with said butterflies for years to come.

Fortunately, that is a butterfly effect, that I am more than happy to handle.

Like I said, I painted today. ALL day. Levi filled holes, and taped, and moved lighting around, and prettied up baseboards, and worked. Then he got me Oreganos Pizza because he's a sweetheart and we sat in his truck and ate it and listened to the rain. We tried to watch the Suns game, but instead got thoroughly depressed, so we turned it off. The rest of the evening will be spent cuddled up, listening to the rain. Because really? You just can't beat the mellow drip dropping of Arizona drizzles.

Disclaimer: Yes, I am fully aware that the human stomach can not ACTUALLY birth butterflies. However, just for the record, I AM in ALL actuality COMPLETELY sure that he will never stop giving me reason to believe that it can. Not only that, but I will, in fact, promise you that with every circumstance, the strength in those little wings? It'll only grow. Why? Umm, have you SEEN my boyfriend?

Yeah, I'm wrapped. So what?

For a little "before bed snack" yesterday, we made some mashed potatoes and gravy [from scratch, because you know, it's a quick thing]. As we were eating I reminded Levi that he hadn't read the last couple blog posts yet and so we pulled it up while we ate. He started [in between smacking bites] reading them out loud, as he always does and I started to get up to grab a cup of milk. He was too quick for me. He grabbed my hand and pulled me back into my chair. "Where are you going?" He asked me with this little-boy-lost-at-the-fair-can-you-help-me-find-my-mommy-look. I smiled and sat back down. "Nowhere, of course."

Tonight we had Levi's dad over. We made him orange chicken with oven-fried asparagus and got to visit with him for a few hours. After he left we checked our fantasy scores, and we played with the digital picture frame he had gotten us for Christmas [THANK YOU!], and then we snuggled down to watch some Criminal Minds. On one of the commercial breaks I got up for a bathroom break - or started too. Alas, the boy caught my hand once again. I looked down at the same face from the day before and decided it could [definitely] wait. Plopping right back down beside him again and couldn't help but kiss the cheek under those sweet, now smiling, "I got what I wanted" eyes. Then I laughed at my [could be slightly] pathetic self because really, I needed that break!

Now before anyone starts throwing out any yellow flags or posting any last minute CAUTION signs down my road of life, I'm telling you straight out. I am thoroughly, completely and one hundred percent aware that the boy has me totally, fully and in every way possible...WRAPPED. But before you worry yourselves sick, you should understand something. Let's explain, with story of the night number three. 

At the end of Criminal Minds, we flipped to the news for our daily update [which pretty much consists of making sure South Africa hasn't sunk or anything drastic like that] and instead got bombarded [as usual] with stories of missing 92 year olds, family shootings, trucks through houses and all assortments of light sucking events that make you [almost] wish that a major continent had suddenly become immersed in water. I, feeling rather depressed from such stories, made a quick concoction of fake tears and little boo-hoos and, upon receiving no comforting response from the boy then followed the show up with a [rather exaggerated] clearing of my throat at which point Levi immediately rolled over, wrapped me up in his arms and kissed the side of my face dramatically. "I'm so sorry babe, what can we do?" At this point I'm sure I could've gotten that pony that he still owes me from blog post number thirty-one but I [unfortunately] could no longer hold back the smile from my face and somehow instead got a series of tickling attacks that left me squealing into the next room [suddenly overly aware that my priorities when it comes to important things like bathroom breaks needed some serious adjusting].

And so, people, the moral of this story is, being wrapped isn't such a bad thing really, just as long as it goes both ways. To be honest, in a relationship like ours? I'm pretty sure sometimes, we really rather enjoy it.

And that, is just all that matters.

It sure was a busy Monday, for being off work still. I was hoping to make it over to Katie's anyway because it was her birthday yesterday and I have something for her [Ready everyone? On three. One...Two...Three! HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATIE!]. Anyways, that'll have to be tomorrow because today somehow got consumed with things like dishes, and dishes...oh! And more dishes! Levi and I decided enchiladas sounded amazing for lunch today, so we made those, and then dinner tonight, I really think I was in the kitchen all day long! Good thing I love it all! It was a blast having his dad over and we did get the place good and clean before he got here. We're getting ready for bed now but I just might go brag about my Fantasy Football Third Place Win before I do! You know, it's a good excuse for stealing some more attention!

Favorite conversation of the week.

As Levi is grabbing some shredded beef out of a crock pot at my grandparents house.

"This looks so good, I was craving some protein!"

My sister looks up from across the counter and without skipping a beat, "You're a piece of protein!"

HOLD THE PHONE. Did my sister just flirt with my boyfriend? I made sure to throw in a "Yeah, MY piece of protein." just in case.

It's a million times easier.

Levi made taco soup for us the other morning.
For breakfast.
Umm. Don't be judgy. It was delish.

Anyways. As we were sitting there eating we talked for a while about our random schedule, and then we were kind of quiet while we ate. My mind started wandering and I started thinking about our visit with Katie and Eric and the kids the day before. I thought about something Katie said and giggled out loud a little bit. Keep in mind, this was all in my head. Levi looks up at me laughing and out of nowhere, he says, "You laughing at something Katie said yesterday?"

HOW does he do that??

It's like when he does that magic trick where he flips through a deck of cards and I pick one and then he guesses which one it was. He is ALWAYS dead on.

It's kind of creepy.

When I asked him how he knew he just said, "It's what I was thinking about too and we're usually on the same page about stuff like that."

It really kind of freaked me out at the time, but I suppose I should just be glad I'm with someone who knows me oh, so well. People tell you your whole life to "marry your best friend" and it never really makes sense until you find the one who really can finish your sentences for you and sense how you're feeling long before you tell them. Then, it makes sense. It makes sense, because when you're so in tune with each other that you can [basically] read each others minds, it makes deciding what song to listen to, or deciding what food to eat, or deciding what color to paint the walls, a MILLION TIMES EASIER.

It's been a pretty busy week with Christmas tomorrow and all, and we have a lot to blog about! I'll definitely be playing catch up over the next couple days. I'm in the middle of making some cinnamon rolls that are calling to me to finish the next step, but I'll check back in soon. Hope you have a lovely Christmas tomorrow! Levi and I's first Christmas festivity was last night, we got to go see my family and eat the good ol' traditional Mexican food. It was a lot of fun, and definitely got us in the Christmas spirit. Tonight we get to go see his Dad's family and tomorrow we get to go see Katie and Eric's. I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy this season. Happy Holidays everyone!

Jealousy.

"Are you replacing me?" I asked Levi sincerely.

You see, I make this pretzel dip - a recipe I learned from my mom. It's really simple but slightly addicting. The other night as we were getting ready to climb into bed, Levi stopped to binge on said pretzel dip and by the time he was done I was already out. The next morning when I became lucid enough to realize what was going on, he was already awake, standing in the kitchen...pretzel dip in hand.

He was, of course, guilty as charged.
I was peeved, as anyone would be upon finding out that their man was now ending and beginning their day elsewhere, but he pleaded well. Claiming retribution for the fact that it was my perty lil' hands that made the dip in question and that the only reason he loved it so was because it came from me. He said that it was a temporary weakness and that it would pass but that his love for me was never ending. He promised that if it bothered me he could put it down and walk away at any given moment. He said he was sorry and that I was the only one in the world he'd want to always have by his side and that the pretzel dip wasn't worth sacrificing that for. I slowly nodded in acknowledgment, but insisted that it wasn't quite enough to let go of the pain he caused. So, in order to further prove his point he swept me off my feet, kissed me adoringly and bought me a pony. At which point I insisted that I had forgiven him long ago and that he just needed to let himself move on and he did and we moved forward on our merry, healthy relationship kind of a way.

Actually, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, you could've seen it coming."

I sure am glad that that's the extent of jealousy in our relationship.

Gonna try and get some errands run on this beautiful Monday - which we're quite nervous for. Hear it's a zoo out there with all the lovely last minute shoppers. The good thing is that the weather is quite perfect. Oh, and  we get to be together. Love having breaks from work for that reason. Being with Levi all day long...Mmm. I just never get sick of that boy. I think I might make Scotch-a-Roos when we get home if Levi's not too worn out and needs some sleep. I might make some other stuff too. I've put off holiday baking for way too long. Time to have some fun in the kitchen!

Why?

You know those times when you're in the kitchen and you accidentally touch the end of a knife, or you accidentally bump the edge of your hand on a hot burner, or you do something that is really only a "close call" and nothing actually happens but your instincts tell you it almost did and so you can't help but release a little "Ouch!" or "Eek!" or "Dang!"? I do that quite often and every time, without fail, Levi chimes in from the next room, "Are you okay, babe?" and every time, without fail, my answer is the same, "I'm fine!" but I think that maybe if he ever wasn't there to ask, I wouldn't be.

Yesterday was one of my favorites. At one point I pinched my finger in between two pans as I was getting dinner ready and it hurt a little bit. I muttered "Ouch!" without even thinking about it and sure enough, "Babe, are you okay?" from the next room. I told him I was fine as usual [still without thinking about it], but this time he persisted. "Are you sure you're okay? Do you need a kiss?" He was already up heading towards the kitchen and sure enough, he came in and kissed the side of my hand for me.

It's not that I'm pathetic or paranoid or constantly expecting him to save my life, but life if he didn't ask? It would be like trying to eat toast without butter. Or s'mores without the marshmellow. Or cheesecake without the graham cracker crust! Because that simple little question, is all the care and love and devotion that he constantly shows me all rolled up into four little words.


That feels like a bottom line to me. You know, it's what "it all boils down to". When people ask me why I'm so happy with Levi or why I love him so much I never know where to start. I never know how to answer their question without holding them unwillingly hostage for hours on end. [See Can't Blame The Girl For Being Excited] Now, I know what to say.

It's because he asks.

It's Sunday and it was also playoffs in fantasy football and I lost. It was also Levi's first loss in Fantasy Basketball. Not a good night in the Roberts household. However...tomorrow starts a two week long break for this girl. Gonna try and get lots of painting done upstairs! Oh and dinner tonight was pasta and it was amazing, plus on the way home Levi and I talked about how when I'm home we get to go everywhere together and how much we love it. I guess it's not SUCH a bad night... Okay, it really never is.

He made it perfect!

Here's how a perfect birthday is supposed to go:

You're supposed to come home to a boy rushing out to the driveway to greet you and walk you in, and it's supposed to be one who knows you well enough to read your moods. That way he can start immediately to talk down your raw emotions and get you pumped about the night ahead of you.

You're supposed to get two, perfect, presents. One to start the night off with, and one to end the night with.

Before you open the first, you're supposed to watch the boy down several of your birthday cupcakes and try incessantly to convince you how much your birthday benefits him just to make sure you don't give yourself an [even worse than you already have...] guilt trip.

You're supposed to be completely overwhelmed by how adorable the wrapping is on said gift before you even get to what is actually inside and you're supposed to start letting yourself believe that you may actually enjoy this birthday because you start to see the care the boy put into this [and how excited he is to finally share it with you].

Then you actually get to the gift. It's a pair of glasses and you're supposed to put them on and get a little giddy and butterflyish inside because the boy starts raving about how he loves seeing you in his glasses so much, he decided to get you some that you could actually see out of. Then his talk about how gorgeous he thinks you are and how much he loves them on you is supposed to make you blush and walk into your bathroom so you can see how you like them.

When you do so, you're supposed to see a dozen red roses in a gorgeous vase on your counter. This is supposed to get you flustered all over again and maybe this time you tear up a little bit. That's when the boy is supposed to make another cute make-you-feel-better comment about how he's loving this day and it distracts you enough that you quickly blink the tears away.

You're supposed to know of a little restaurant that has such a homey, downtown feel to it that it makes you think for just a little bit that you're on a vacation, all alone, except better because you get to go home afterwards. It's just you two, away from the world, and you finally get to just relax and be you.

You're both supposed to get really yummy sandwiches and you're supposed to try each others and it's supposed to be exactly what you were both picturing.

By the way, all through dinner the boy is supposed to talk about how much he loves being with you and how excited he is that he gets to celebrate you for the day.

When you're finished, you're supposed to just sit together for a while. You're supposed to talk about everything. It's supposed to be EXACTLY what you needed and you're supposed to leave almost fully convinced that birthdays aren't half as bad as you thought they were.

You're supposed to get home absolutely bursting with excitement ready to open your next gift. Then the boy is supposed to tell you that you have to wait until he finishes wrapping it. Meanwhile, you change into the new pajama pants that your sister is supposed to get you and she's supposed to be pretty much genius at picking stuff like that out so their supposed to be pretty much perfect.

Once he finishes, he's supposed to come in making all sorts of excuses for whatever it is you're about to open. He's supposed to tell you things like, "It's gonna bring us closer together..." and "You won't get it, but I'll explain it and then I think you'll like it..." and it's all supposed to completely confuse you.

Then, you're supposed to start pulling the paper off of the really long, flat box in front of you. Then you get to the box. You open the first flap. Then the second. Then you're supposed to pull out the most beautiful, flat piece of bamboo on wheels that you've ever seen.

That's right people, you're supposed to get a longboard. Now for this recipe for a perfect birthday to work, you have to have been wishing for the more part of your life for a longboard, but you have to be one of those people who would pretty much never in a million years buy one for themselves. Plus, the boy is supposed to know you well enough to know exactly which one you would have chosen and he's supposed to have gotten you that EXACT one.

You're supposed to freak out a little bit. Not only at the fact that you are now the proud owner of the sickest longboard in the world, but at how amazing your boyfriend is to know you so well. You're supposed to be amazed that he thought about it enough to get you something that you could do together because he knows what makes you happy. You're supposed to be so caught up in how incredible he is for thinking of such a gift, that all you can do is jump eagerly back and forth between him and the longboard, him...and the longboard...

Then you're supposed to go longboarding and have him on his bike right next to you the entire time. It's supposed to feel exactly as you pictured it and the boy is supposed to talk about how much he loves watching you on it and how excited he is to be boarding next to you in Cali when you live there over the summer and about how much he loves his life with you and on and on and on...

Then you go back home. You go home and he's supposed to have gotten the movie that you've been itching to see for weeks. You're supposed to watch it together and get tired together. Then you're supposed to fall asleep together.

Through everything he's supposed to make absolutely certain at all times that you know that it's him and you. That the next year? It's just him and you. That the year after that is the same. He's supposed to turn every single thing that could be a stress, or a worry, or a concern and turn it into something positive. Something that will make you happy. Something that lets you know he loves you and wants to be with you for the rest of his life.

You're supposed to be one hundred percent convinced at the end of the day that all this time you were wrong about birthdays.

By that last breath before you fall asleep, you're supposed to be convinced that no birthday could ever out-do this one, but secretly, you're supposed to already counting down the minutes, until next year. All because that boy was bound and determined to love you through it.

How did I get so lucky?

Starting the day off right.

Conversation of the week:

Amalie: Do you think I could train my laundry to do itself?

Levi: Yeah!

Amalie: I don't know, I've been trying for years and it hasn't happened yet.

Levi: Well, maybe not do itself, but you could probably train your boyfriend to do it for you!

Ha! I'm pretty sure the fact that he was willing made that load about a billion times easier.

So, ready for another background piece of our story?

That first morning after we woke up together on our way to Seattle, I was the second to get up. I was the second to get up and like any girl getting ready for her first full day with the possible-love-of-her-life, I took slightly longer than usual to get ready...slightly. Okay, okay, I may have heard knock knock..."Housekeeping?" probably 4 or 5 times by the time I was finishing up. I was so ready and expecting [and totally deserving] for Levi to be hurrying me along and rushing me out the door.

Well. If there's anything I've learned about life with Levi, it's that it's a life full of surprises!

Instead of playing the typical man role, loading me up and hefting me out the door mascara in hand, he went downstairs and got me breakfast. Then he sweet talked housekeeping into temporarily ceasing their knock knocking [that boys tongue is going to get him into trouble someday, a few smooth words and their little aprons were all a-flutter "...Oh! No problem, no problem. Issokay we come back later just fo' youuuu!"]. Then he came and told me to take my time and he hung out with me while I finished my hair. He asked me if I needed anything. He asked me if I wanted him to take any of my bags out. He made sure I had slept good and that I had eaten enough.

As I would soon find out is completely normal, the boy was a sweetheart.

I was thinking about that this morning as I was getting ready for work and he, very much like that first morning [and most mornings since], came in to hang out with me while I did so. It means so much to me to have someone who won't change. To have someone who is just going to keep loving me. He still acts as completely enthralled at being the one I start my day with as he did in the Fairfield Marriott. It's just one of those things that he doesn't have to do. I mean, trust me, out of the billions of people in the world I'm not one of the first that you would choose to have to have around you in the morning. Either I wake up on the right side of the bed, in which case I transform into a mindless three year old and start using words like, "GUP!" [Translation: Get Up!] or "DAMORNEEN!" [Translation: Good morning!]. Or, option number two, I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and start using words like, well, we'll keep this PG but you get the idea. Let's just say, I don't even like being around me in the morning. Even still. He comes in. From the alarm going off all the way to walking out to the truck. He's always there.

I don't know how or why he does it, but somehow he makes every day a beautiful one. Every day! Even at stupid o clock in the morning, I'm up and smiling because he's willing to take the time to make sure I am. You know how I said he was the reason I trust the sun to rise? That's because I have to trust it. I have to trust it because I just can't believe that a world so beautiful could cease to exist. And I believe the world is so beautiful because I so fully love my life. And I so fully love my life, because Levi is in it. Find your reason. Find your reason to trust that the sun will rise. Find it, and love it.

We still have quite a bit of painting to do, glad it's Monday. Beginnings of the week are always the most productive. Plus we'll probably finish up some deep cleaning that we started last night. That's a slight understatement. We tend to get in cleaning modes together and let's just say our house could pass as a presidential suite at a five star hotel right now. The place is spotless. But there's always more to do, right? I think some organizing on top of the general cleanliness would be good...we'll see how far either of us get! I need to do some grocery shopping too, stock up on some things for dinners this week. Really it's mostly a get-things-done kind of a day. It could be slightly overwhelming if we didn't do it all together anyway. Sigh. It's a charmed life!

Can't blame the girl for being excited.

I realized something Friday night at our friend's party, when someone asked me at one point "who the boy was that I was all cuddled up on". 

I feel it's only best if I give the world a proper warning.

WARNING.

ASKING QUESTIONS SUCH AS THESE MAY

MERIT AN OVERWHELMING RESPONSE. ENTERING SAID VERBAL AGREEMENT MAY SUBJECT YOU TO SAPPY HOUR LONG BABBLING RAMBLINGS ABOUT THINGS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT GIVE A [FLYING TURD] ABOUT.

I talk when I get excited. As it turns out, Levi happens to be one subject that get's me not just excited, but ecstatic.
I swear people, I was like the Engergizer Bunny. It was like he [the poor, innocent, unknowing bystander] switched a flip on and I just could not stop.

I went three years back. When we were just friends. We hung out. We got distracted. We lost contact for a while. I proceeded to nine months ago when he emailed me concerned and I responded eagerly [giving the now-head-bobbing boy several examples of Levi's empathetic nature showing through in his messages of course]. After emailing, I told him about Seattle, all the way to when I moved to Arizona where we fell madly in love [sharing mushy-gushy details all the way].

I told him everything and not until the very end did it occur to me he was probably only looking for that four word response.
"Levi, he's my boyfriend."
And done.

I suppose it just seemed to me that a subject like Levi Chell deserved a proper explanation. Merely vocalizing our obvious state in relationship didn't seem nearly enough to cover what Levi is to me! It just didn't seem to give justice to how he's half of every breath I take. It didn't seem to cover that he's my blanket when I'm cold and my safety when I'm scared. I didn't know how to NOT tell anyone who asked that he's the reason I trust the sun to rise and my purpose to putting one foot in front of the other day after day. I just couldn't keep it all inside.

I'm sure that [poor] guy didn't know what he was getting into, and I [almost] feel bad for renting out his ears for way past check-out time, but the fact is?

That's just what ya get. If you didn't know, I'm telling you now. I could talk about Levi and I's story for hours. I could talk about Levi for hours. I am FOREVER finding new things that I love about that boy that I want to just shout out to the world! I learn things with him everyday, I get excited with him everyday, I fall a little harder everyday, and that means my bucket gets a little fuller everyday. My bucket is only so big people! It's overflowing into every niche and corner it can possibly get into so you're gonna have to trust me on this.

You just DON'T want to ask, unless you have some time to listen. Cause you just can't blame this girl for being excited.

This weekend has been [slightly] insane. We randomly decided on a color for some of the upstairs yesterday and went down to Lowes to get the paint within 5 minutes of closing time! I'm not going to lie I get a little crazy about things like that so I've been going at it ever since. Levi [when he's not making me feel on top of the world just for painting a couple walls] has had a really busy weekend in work. We also [CONFESSION] went and got Costa Vida again last night. It was amazing. Now we're going to wind down for the day by watching some football, but I'm not sure how long I'll last...our schedule is all flopped and it is very much this girls bedtime!

It's statements like this...

Maybe it was how he said it. Maybe it was how I heard it. Maybe it was just because I was thinking the exact same thing when we got home tonight. Whatever it was, when Levi told me [quite simply],


"I love our life together. I love coming home together. Babe we do everything together...and it's still not enough."

I'm pretty sure I danced in circles around that boy. 

[Or maybe that was all in my head, but either way really.] 

No matter if I "already know it" or not, hearing those kinds of things from him just makes my heart take flight.

And considering how often he says them, I highly doubt I'll ever come down.

I'm not worried, I like it up here.

It was a busy Friday, which is normal. I never got to the kitchen yesterday, so I did that as soon as I got home today. Then Levi and I went over to one of our friends houses for a game night. I won't lie, I'm pretty sure I had forgotten what it was like to be in big groups of people like that. [We're kind of like the modern day Little House on the Prairie way out here next to Queen Creek.] And...apparently I suck at it since I got voted out of "Mafia" within the first two rounds both times we played. Anyways. It was a lot of fun to be out for a little bit. Now we're back to enjoying "home" and it's going to be a late night for sure. [Probably more like early morning?] The boy is out working on laying the patio and he has that look on his face. That "I'm so excited, who needs sleep??" look on his face. It is just such a good thing he is so fetching cute! Time to go hold the light for him - gotta help wherever I can!

Oh we're doing more than jus' living.

Let's start off with a side story today.

[This morning as I was getting ready for work [finishing my eye make-up, to be exact]  I was thinking over my list of things to blog about and trying to narrow down which one I wanted to use today when the bathroom door opened, Levi walked in stirring a mug of hot chocolate. "You've been liking hot chocolate in the mornings now, right?" He asked me. He looked at me for just a minute, gave me a big hug, then walked away to let me finish getting ready. I looked at the mug. I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked at the open door he had just walked out of. Then I thought, "How on earth am I ever going to get everything he does that deserves a blog, blogged when the numbers double and double double every fetching day??" Today it seems a little [and by a little I mean pretty much completely] unrealistic that I'll get to them all so instead of laying every adorable step out for you, I'm just going to try and focus on some feelings.]

Today I feel worthwhile. Hans Christian Anderson said, "Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower." Levi gives me all three plus so much more - he makes me feel like I'm doing so much more than existing. Aren't there moments in all of our lives where we feel more alive than usual? Moments that you look back on and think, "If I had to go back and re-live a part of my life, that would be it." Moments that define us. Moments that make this life truly worthwhile. Maybe it's not a moment for you, maybe it's your job, or maybe it's a person. It's easy to feel worthwhile with someone who is constantly trying to convince you that your life is so perfectly a part of theirs. It's easy to feel worthwhile with someone who is willing to mold your lives together because they love you. It's easy to feel worthwhile when no matter how your day goes, you know you'll come home to someone who will listen to you talk about it. It's easy to feel worthwhile with someone who actually tries to understand. It's easy to feel worthwhile with someone willing to go outside their comfort zone just to try and make you a little happier. It's easy to feel worthwhile, with him, and today, I feel it. Why? Because of this.

It was maybe a couple weeks or so after I moved in that I cut my finger on one of his knives. It wasn't bad, just a little nick. It bled though, so I applied pressure and bandaged it up. I made some "You should kiss it better!" joke to Levi and he got all the sudden real hesitant around me. I think he kissed my head or something and told me that it would help. Time for some background on Amalie. I'm pretty sure I believed kisses had ACTUAL healing powers until I was like, ten. Kissing things better is super normal to me - it's just what you do. Thus, his reaction caught me just a little bit off guard. I'm not exactly one to get super [butt]hurt about something like that, but I think I made some [possibly maybe slightly bitter] comment about my finger never going to heal thanks to him and his crazy germophobia. Despite my [possibly maybe slightly rude] sarcasm, he didn't budge and we laughed it off and moved on. Yesterday while I was making my kids their lunch, I grabbed a hot bowl and burnt the side of my finger. It was probably like a 0.2 degree burn but it still stung a little last night, so I told Levi about it. He stopped what he was doing and grabbed my hand, "Aw, babe. Where?" I showed him, unexpectantly, and what does he do?

The boy kissed it.

He kissed it because he loves me enough to remember that kissing away the pain is something I believe in, and he loves me enough to do something that may be a little unnatural to him because he knows it will make me happy.

And that, would make just about anyone feel worth it.

I read once that Thursdays are the only day of the week that don't have a "feel". I'm not sure I believe it. I think they feel like the day before the day before the weekend - and that makes me happy! Today when I got home I had to come in the back way because Levi said there may be something on the front porch that I'm not supposed to see yet. [Tis the season!] He's a doll. It's a busy night at work for him. I'll be cleaning the kitchen, then probably dirtying it up again with something chocolate. YUM! 

Back to the [lovely] grind!

Well, we finally decided to make it official.

I know you all thought that we'd been home from our Thanksgiving trip for like an entire week or two already, but we're just now feeling it. We finally went out and worked on the patio last night! Yep, that's right people. Everything is finally back to normal in the Roberts household [well, that is if you don't count the suitcase still sitting on the stairs, or the mass of laundry still on the bedroom floor, or the unusually high vacancy rates in the fridge...].  Other than that though, we are OFFICIALLY home.

We needed a pick me up after the Suns game anyway [Boooooo Portland], and really it's been driving Levi a little cray cray having it out there and not making any progress on it. We've had all the edges on the bottom layer laid since before Seattle, so last night after checking and re-checking them a couple times, Levi decided it was indeed time for the next step. Or steps, I should say. I, assuming I'd only be going out for a minute or two just to re-assure him that his plan was solid [I need to stop assuming those kinds of things and just accept that I just can't resist the boy] threw on a jacket and stepped out into the cold. "So what do ya think, babe?"

"So I'm going to sweep all this mud away, then we'll just fill the cracks in with sand. We'll have to sweep it all up again and then, once that's done we spray it down with water so it sets a little bit. Then we can lay the top layer and dig down a little bit around it. We'll be ready for the concrete by the time I wake up and you get home tomorrow afternoon!"

It had to have been either the stunned silence, or the permanent look of shock on my face that made him end with some cover-up about how I don't actually HAVE to help and really I should probably just go to bed... Right. By 1:30 in the blessed AM we had finished filling in the cracks with sand and decided that was enough of an accomplishment for the night!

[I'm not sure how but we always seem to underestimate when we're plotting time for projects like this. Needless to say, it's definitely a boyfriends-old-t-shirt-with-no-makeup-and-a-ponytail kind of a day.]

Definitely worth it. Levi always thanks me for helping like it's something I only do for him. I don't know if he realizes though that I can't help but help! When he gets really excited about something he gets so focused. He'll be going off about the color matching the blinds and the patterns working out so perfectly and I could interject with a "Yeah, and that pink polk-a-dotted elephant is swinging from a tree branch into the lemon-lime marshes of South Africa!" and he'll proceed in agreement and start talking about the pathway to the BBQ without missing a beat. I suppose I would be worried if it wasn't only when he's so fetching excited about something that he can't even contain himself, not to mention even then, he still takes time to stop and hear me say "Yes, I like that idea too!" about the next grand plan of his! As I was following behind him sweeping up the sand he laid, I stood back to look at one point. "It's going to look so good Levi Chell, I'm stoked for you!" He responded with "Us? You're stoked for us?"

Of course that's what I meant. I'm not so sure I've ever felt so a part of something as I feel with that boy.
Have I mentioned I love my life with him? Because I do. So much so, that it's not even weird to me anymore to be itching with excitement just to get home...to get to work.

Which is exactly what we'll be doing today. Along with watching our Fantasy Basketball match up to see if after tonight I'm still kicking his trash as bad as I am now. Wish me luck! [Actually you should probably wish HIM luck...he needs it more than I do!]

An informational letter.

Dear Mr. Roberts:

Yesterday, you told me how crazy you are about me in your glasses, to the point where you wanted to go to Wal-Mart to get me my own frames so I could where them more often. Yesterday, you held me while I didn't feel good and asked me if I was happy - you thought you knew the answer, but you wanted to make sure. Yesterday, you told me [again] that you liked my jeans, and decided that they must've named the brand "Miss Me" because as soon as I'm gone you Miss watching Me walk around in them. Yesterday, we made your Honey Lime Enchiladas together and you talked the entire time about how much better it is to do it together, then you remembered not to put extra lime on a couple of them, just for me. Yesterday, you threatened to tickle me and chased me down the stairs, only to stop at the bottom because "you just love my reactions to those things". Yesterday, when we went to exchange the [gross] milk we had gotten a couple days ago, and we worded the problem differently, I apologized for maybe making you sound a little dumb [which you most definitely are not] and you apologized back, even though really you didn't need to. Yesterday, you gave me the remote to the TV and told me you were just there to cuddle with me so I could watch whatever I wanted, then when I didn't have a preference, you just turned it off, but you didn't stop cuddling with me. Yesterday, you held me while I was falling asleep, and when I woke up, you were still there.

Yesterday, at the end of the day, you asked me to never fall out of love with you.

Just in case you're still in wonderment?

It ain't evah gonna happen.

Best best best regards,

Me

My pause button.

I was a lot more blond then, [physically AND mentally]. More blond, maybe a half an inch shorter, I was probably wearing [super flared] Big Stars and my over-sized aerobics club hoodie. Oh, and Vans of course [but then that's really not any different from today]. If I remember right Levi was pretty much the same, probably had a bit of a neater mohawk than he does now, and he was probably wearing either Abercrombie and Fitch flannel pajama pants with Wal-Mart slippers, or True Religion jeans with leather soled boots, and on this particular night, he was emotionally beat. I had just gotten off the phone with him and was already in my car on the way over to Mesa Frozen Yogurt feeling as lucky as a pot of gold to get the chance to be Levi Roberts dedicated driver for the night [you don't know what the yogurt does to you]. I pulled up next to his already parked truck and took a second for a quick mental picture. Leaning against the passenger side door, one leg bent, arms crossed [and bulging, might I add], he wasn't frowning but he looked tired. Oh I tried for maybe a [whole entire] second to play it cool, but he didn't really give me much of a chance. Before a word was said, he unfolded his arms and pulled me in, wrapping tightly around my waist, leaving me no choice but to give in to my fantasizing mind and hold him back, as closely as I could. I had to stand on my tip toes to keep my arms around his neck, but short of a hungry pack of wolves charging at full speed, there wasn't a thing in the world that would've gotten me to move. In all reality it was probably only a few seconds, but to me?

That hug stopped time.

That was three years ago, and I've never forgotten it, and in fact, there may have possibly been an occasional time or two where I re-lived that hug in my head [over and over and over and over and over...]. Fast forward to this morning. Here I am in all my brunette glory, getting ready to head off to work and in comes Levi. Mental picture. Messy mohawk. Thick rimmed glasses. H&M sweats. Before a word was said, he unfolded his arms and pulled me in, wrapping tightly around my waist, leaving me no choice but to give in to my fantasizing mind and hold him back, as closely as I could. I still have to stand on my tip toes to keep my arms around his neck, but I still wouldn't move for anything, in fact now I don't even think the pack of wolves could loosen my grip.

It's the same boy.

It's the same hug.

It makes my heart pound the exact same way.

It's nice to know that any time I need to pause the world for a few, I know where to turn. 

Right back home. Right back to that hug that stops time.

So I still can't breathe today, and Levi is starting to sniffle too and I'm NOT okay with that. If I've been holding out on kissing that boy for two [freakin] days now for no reason cause he get's it anyway I'm going to be slightly [ridiculously] pissed! Ahem. Anyway. I loved having him awake this morning while I got ready for work. He even ran and got donuts - so adorable. Since I've been home we caught up on our days, watched an incredibly dumb music video [Grenade - Bruno Mars. NOT a fan], checked out our Fantasy Basketball match up cause we're playing each other this week [and I'm so going to smoke him, don't tell him I said that] and we're thinking it sounds like a Costa Vida night. Breathing or not, it's just not a bad Monday!

Health would be good.

I'm pretty sure my sinus' are going to blow at any moment.

Before they do, I would just like to record how many times today Levi has asked me if I need anything. I'm pretty sure we're going on 17. We've been up since 2:00 PM. That would be 3.4 times per hour. 

It's nice to feel loved when everything else feels...not.

Blech.


It's been a chilly Sunday. I like it. It means I can get away with sipping hot cocoa while I watch the Suns game. Hope we pull ahead in the second half! Oh, the boys here on a work break. That means cuddle time. That means a few minutes of feeling just a little bit better all buried in his chest. [It's an instant cure, I swear by it.]

Sick.

Yesh. It's true. I was sick today.

It was not my favorite day in the world. 

HOWEVER. 

As it turns out. Levi is amazingly good 

at taking care of me when I feel like

[doo doo meat]. 

After laying helplessly
on the floor in his work room with him for
a while while some orange chicken marinated
it was time to come downstairs and
finish it up. Do you know how difficult
stairs are when you're head is all fuzzy and
you feel weaker than a newborn giraffe?
I will tell you. Perty difficult. I made it half
way and got totally pooped. So what does Levi
do? He goes downstairs ahead of me
and grabs a pillow and a blanket. Then, he
walks back up to the midway point on the
stairs and lays the blanket over me, puts the pillow
underneath my head, and lays down
next to me [right there on the stairs!].

In conclusion Levi is the most adorable boy
on the face of the planet and if I have to be sick
every now and again then I'm just
thanking my lucky stars that he'll be there to
cuddle me on the stairs when I am.

The end.

Maybe it's not such a bad thing?

CONFESSION

[I am a clingy person.]

You know, you grow up your whole life being taught how to NOT be a clingy person.

It all starts the first time your preschool teacher tells you to get off her lap and go sit in your own chair [you go home crying that day, threatening the life of Mrs. Sweetsnstuff and swearing on the stuffing in your favorite teddy bear that you're never going back]. Eventually though, when you get one more M&M in your treat bag than the next girl, sitting in your own chair doesn't seem like such a problem. You adjust.

Then they throw you into the [ridiculously frightening] world of elementary school and all the sudden instead of group games and class snacks, the only people you can rely on for your basic needs are your parents [and maybe the lunch lady because who doesn't trust a nice old woman with bottomless buckets of bite sized brownie packs].

After you finally get used to Mommy and Daddy handing you your jacket on the way out the door, you're thrown into the [even MORE frightening] world of Junior High. Even less clinging. Now you have to remember your own dang jacket because the folks no longer know which one "goes with the outfit" and the only thing worse than your look clashing, is hearing your name over the school intercom because you forgot something - I mean, people might look at you!

Next. The ultimate cling-free stage. Now the adults are calling it "independence". You hit High School. Not clinging comes pretty easily  now. You don't even want to sit on your teachers' laps anymore [except for your hottie science professor - and that's different]. You do all you're own schoolwork and the "group games" are just annoying. You don't even have to remember to grab anything on the way out the door anymore because you probably just keep it in your car anyway.

You think "This, this is the life!" at least for a while.

Inevitably, down the road, if you're anything like me, you hit another stage.

You need something in your life.

It could be work. It could be religion. It could be school. It could be kids.

For me? It was a boy.

A boy most commonly referred to as Levi Chell Roberts.

I met him, I fell in love with him, I adjusted my life to be with him, and all the sudden, not being clingy, doesn't seem so important. In fact now, I start to wonder why I worried so much before about NOT being clingy. Now I wonder if it even might be a good thing.  But shhhh. Don't tell the grown-ups.

At some point needing things becomes okay. 

"I just have to have my coffee to get through the day at that office!" Clinging. To coffee. To work. It's cool.

"I'm just really focused right now, I want to take double the credits this year so I can finish quicker." Clinging. To school. To growth. That's a good thing too.

And when I'm getting ready for bed and Levi, who usually works for quite a while past my bedtime, says he's coming to bed with me because "I just miss you right now! I definitely did not get enough Amalie today." I think that's clinging too. And I can't get enough of it.

So yes. I'm a clingy person. Call me a sinner.

When I get home from work, I want to be with my man. I love being cuddled. I love being close. I love running to the store just for milk, and not having to go alone. I love sitting in the middle seat of his truck. I love holding his hand tight on the walk to the mailbox and back. I love running with him next to me - even if we're too out of breath to talk. I love being in the same room with him while he works, even if he's focused on what he's doing. I love him. And really, I don't think clinging to what you love, is much of a problem at all. In the end life is what you make it and making it what you love. So cling, people. Cling for dear life. Cling because your life the way you want it, deserves protecting.
 

I wouldn't let it go, for anything.

Short Friday for me, I only worked till noon. Kids are sick. I'm sick. Katie's sick. Seemed like a good day to cut short. Levi was just waking up when I got home so I got to run his errands with him. In the midst of which I couldn't stop coughing so he put his arm around me and said, "Aw babe. You're breaking my heart with all your coughing!" and I fell a little more in love. We stopped by Oregano's for a salad and came home and ate it. Then he got to work and threatened our relationship if I didn't come up and hang out with him while he did so - so here I am. Working next to him. Just enjoying being close. Loving him.
Clinging, clinging, clinging.

There's [at least] one!

I just made Baked Potato Soup.
I was going to start posting recipes on here as I tried them but I pretty much just made this one up so I don't even know what to tell ya.
There was some milk in there.
There were some potatoes in there.
There was like some garlic and stuff in there.
Anyways.

It was pretty good.
Levi made it sound like edible gold again.
Yep, he even figured out how to make me feel on top of the world over a semi-successful experiment. 

I was reading through my old journals today and found this:

"I'm crazy about this boy! I haven't been able to just have fun and be me in a real long time and Levi totally lets me do that. In fact he, without having to say anything makes me want to be the best version of me possible!" 

That was May 1st, a couple days before moving here. I can't even tell you how much I love that that hasn't changed! I love that he is so willing to love me just the way I am. I love that he's never asked me to be anyone different. E. E. Cummings said "To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it's best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting". I don't think there's a single person in this grandiose world that hasn't been tossed into one of those situations where suddenly, you're wearing a mask. It may or may not be on purpose, but there are some intimidating situations, people, and places in this world and for some reason people [in general] tend to feel like being just them - it just isn't good enough. It's one of those sad truths of life and some of us feel it quite a bit more than others. 

Ready for the good news?

The Good God Above [or the big bang, or the monkeys, or wherever you believe life came from] didn't make only one of these human being things.

There are a good 310,835,569 in the US alone [and really by the time you read this that number will have grown immensely] to choose from. I can promise you if you don't feel like you've found them yet, that there is at least one person out there who you won't have to "try" around. You won't have to make excuses about that hot pink snake skin pair or heels you just bought, you won't have to dumb yourself down and act like you have no idea how positive and negative energy work together, and you won't have to act like throwing a bunch of stuff in a pot and calling it potato soup is anything more than a therapeutic escape.

You won't have to, because your person will just get it. Not only will they just get it, but they'll make you feel like that quirk of yours? It's their favorite thing about you. It'll feel good.

This next part is not up for discussion. Finding the one that loves you for you?

It

is

so

worth

it.

Fighting the battle to remain true to yourself is one hundred and ten percent easier when you're not fighting alone.

It's a good thing it's Thursday because I think I'm catchin' something from my kids. I'll be resting up this weekend for sure! Levi and I are watching the ASU vs UofA football game on his computer right now. [GO ASU!!] It'll be a celebratory night for sure if they take it. If the Suns can pull a win out of Golden State this night is going to be like OUT. Of control. I'm so making making no-bakes if that happens. Could there be a better excuse? Sidenote. Levi is singing me his version of The Sound Of Music soundtrack and I'm not really sure what to do with it. My life rocks.

Are you a believer?

The difference, I think, is that with him, the bad days are the uncommon ones.

There were so many times after we got back from Seattle the first time that I would wish so hard we had just stayed there. That I would wake up the next morning and Levi and I would have never left. That that week we spent there would just magically become ordinary plain and simple life. That it would never have changed back to "life" as I knew it before. I didn't want to live a "regular" or "ordinary" life. In my head, Seattle was a dream. Not only was it an extended version of the perfect first date, when everything is new and exciting and neither of you can do any wrong, but it was in a new city, full of new sights, new smells, not even the most boring part of the trip, was a let-down. It was unreal to me, this life where you could spend literally every day, smiling. Not only was it unreal - but there was no chance that it COULD be real. People didn't just live smiling like this. I was convinced as soon as I stepped out of the boys truck, it would come to a screeching halt. So I wished it would last forever.

Looking back, I am so everlastingly glad that that wish didn't come true. I don't know when the change happened, but at some point in the last eight months I became so distracted with [who knows what], that I instead began wishing we could stay this us for life. This boring, day to day, routine us. Why?

Possibly because every day when I get home from work Levi takes a break to come talk to me about how my day was. 

Or maybe because any time he gets an idea for the yard or the house, he asks my opinion on it, then let's me help.

Because he always tries the food I cook, and [so far] always tells me how much he loves it.

Because I'm allowed to have bad days, and instead of letting it bring him down too, he lifts me up.

Because he let's me distract him from work and never makes me feel guilty for it.

Because he's patient when I'm reactant, and helps me work through everything I'm feeling.

Because when we wrestle, he sometimes lets me win.

It's because the honest truth is that I love THIS life. Right here. Right now. Exactly as we are. It's because Levi makes that smiling first date, an every day reality. And there hasn't yet been a second that went by where the boy didn't do something else that made me want to relive it over and over and over. I guess when you're lucky enough to find someone who makes you this happy, you have to program yourself to look forward to the future, rather than reminisce the past. You have start believing that every day really will be better than the last, and surprisingly enough, you're never let down! This, might as well be a dream.

Thanks Levi, for making me a believer.

It really doesn't feel like Wednesday, I suppose because we weren't here Monday. My kids are sick sick sick and I'm hoping they're a bit better tomorrow. It's breaking my heart hearing every laugh thwarted by a venomous cough. Seriously, little children should just not be allowed to get sick. Levi and I just barely got done catching up from the day and we're about to get some serious cleaning done. The house is still [ridiculously] out of whack from our vaca and it's driving us both a little cray cray. I know there's a floor under this pile of stuff somewhere... If there's no post tomorrow? Send a search party.

Mostly, we had a beautiful time in the emerald city.

Mostly.

While we weren't skipping down yellow brick roads and laughing in the face of the [biting] west wind though, we learned some things about the place. For example.

1. While we were pushing our way through Pikes, we learned that much of the human race has not yet figured out what "personal hygiene" actually entails. And the few that HAVE figured that one out are inevitably the ones who haven't even scratched the surface of public courtesy. Brilliant.
2. Before making an attempt to live on Bainbridge island, one must own one of each of the following. Mustard yellow over-sized pedal pushers, sage green over-sized pedal pushers, and cherry red over-sized pedal pushers [and don't forget the leather fur-lined vest to go with it].
3. Five days, is a [FREAKING] long time.
4. Save you're $4.50. The 1/2 cup, unstirred, package hot chocolate mix from Southwest Airlines [complimentary] is more worth it than the "Real Viente Hot Cocoa with Whip" from Tullys.
5. And don't even try to pull over to let someone pass you if you realize you're going too slow for them. They'll honk at you as they drive by no matter what - you might as well make 'em wait.

Now don't get me wrong, I think I can speak for both of us when I say that Seattle will always hold a special place in our hearts. It's where we started. It's our first kiss. It started us dreaming. It was a place we could both be ourselves and get to know each other. It was our first date.

And now really, we should be thanking it yet again, for bringing us to a [pretty major] realization.

IT'S COLD THERE. It's cold! And it's wet! And it's crowded and tiring and confusing and busy and, well, if we're being honest with you, it's not for us. Somewhere in mildew smelling crowds, we LOST us. Levi and Amalie got tangled up in the people and when "we" came out on the other side - it wasn't us anymore. We weren't laughing, we were worrying. We weren't dreaming, we were dwelling. We were gone.

It was frustrating, and stressful, and a little scary. At first I thought I was hating that Washington wasn't the Utopia that I had made it out to be in my head, but as Levi hesitatingly talked out not being sure about moving any time soon, my emotions surprised me. I wasn't scared that maybe we wouldn't end up in Washington. While we were sitting there in Taco Time, putting feelings into words for each other, I was scared of not being us.

So yes, I used to think that it was Seattle that made me so alive. I used to think it was the place that made me, me. I thought that that was where I found myself, and that's where I was supposed to BE myself. But guess what, folks? I was dead there. I was dead there, because we were dead there.

A couple nights before we left for Seattle, I made us tomato soup and grilled cheese. Before anyone makes any lack-of-ambition sarcastic comments, let me clarify. I didn't make just any tomato soup and grilled cheese. I made home made tomato soup with deluxe grilled cheese. I roasted the tomatoes, I added the seasonings [leaving out the onion courtesy for mah man, of course], I cut fresh french bread and mozzarella and cooked bacon, then I put it all together on a plate with a big cup of milk and set it in front of the boy. He told me it was the best tomato soup he'd ever had. He ate until he couldn't fit another bite. He kissed me [after we both rinsed with some STRONG mouthwash a couple times] and held me and thanked me. Then he did it all over again the next day when he busted out the left-overs. That? That, made my heart beat. That, was the freshest oxygen I've ever breathed. That, made me alive.

All this time I thought it was a place. I didn't realize that "Seattle" was standing right next to me.

I'm doing all right today. I'm not so worried about being in Arizona for a long time comin'. I'm not so worried because if "Seattle" means life to me, then Levi, is "Seattle". And Levi, will be right next to me no matter where I am.

Welcome home.

We're loving being here. Today we both worked - and it was Heaven. We split Costa Vida. We wrestled. We were just us. It was a beautiful Tuesday. It's a beautiful life.

Airport reminiscing on a cold Thanksgiving.

The last time I was in an airport, was when I flew to Arizona from Utah, just to be with Levi. We had only spent that week together - granted, it was a perfect week - but it was only a week. I didn't know what would happen between us. I didn't know if things would be the same, outside of the "vacation". I didn't know anything, really. Except that I wanted to be with him.

The couple days that I stayed in Utah were torture - I won't lie. Pathetic? Yes. True? Yes! Try spending every waking moment with someone you click with perfectly, who gets you, who takes the time to learn you, who talks to you, try spending every waking moment with them for an entire week [and practically another half] then go cold turkey [another term I don't quite understand, but it seems fitting given the day] to a text or two a day.

Yes, I have officially passed the point of no return. I no longer give a flying [insert foul noun here] if anybody calls me "sappy" or "cheesy" or "lovesick" or any other "I'm-so-disgusted-by-you-cause-you're-in-love-term". Call me crazy if you must, but I. COULD NOT. Live. With. Out. That. Boy. Even for only three days.

And truly it was, quite literally three days after he left Utah that I was sitting in that airport, an airport not very unlike this one. My mind racing. Going crazy just to be next to him. That was seven months ago and here we sit, together this time. Ready to head back to the place that started it all.

The part about me wanting to be with him hasn't changed a bit, the only difference now is, the question marks are gone. That's a good difference.

Happy Thanksgiving to you! I'm thankful for my life with Levi first and foremost. Everything else falls right into line after that. Enjoy your turkey!

Please tell me you've felt it.

There was just a moment.
What did you do in that moment?
What did the person in the cubicle next to you do in that moment?
What did the President of the United States just do in that moment?
What about the barista you got your coffee from this morning?
What about your brother?
What about your 7th grade english teacher?
What about her?
What about him?

What about this moment?
What did you do in that moment? 
What did the cute guy sitting across from you on the Subway do in that moment?
What was he thinking?
What were you thinking?
Was it a good moment?
Or was it wasted?

Don't worry, here comes another one.
How was that moment?
How was that moment for the people around you?
What would those people have said that moment was like for you?
Would they have said it was a good moment?
Would they have been encouraged to take charge of their next moment because of what you just did with yours?
Or would it have been wasted?

Sometimes I'm in awe at how many chances we have in this life. To make things right. To make our life what we want it to be. Not that there haven't definitely been times when I thought I had no control over those moments [and because of that, I really didn't], but even in those moments, just blink. There's the next.

Levi and I just realized yesterday that it was November 26th last year when he sent me the first email in the chain that led to Seattle. That means the entire last year of my life has had moments with Levi Chell Roberts in them. All the way from Moment Number One... Seeing his name pop up in my inbox. To which I responded, "Wow – pretty sure I choked on my hot chocolate when I saw “Levi Roberts” name in my inbox! Good to hear from you." I continued casually, and spent the night hitting refresh every five minutes waiting for that name in bold. To Moment Number Seven Thousand Five Hundred and Sixty Eight... Last night. I had a little bit of a nervous breakdown. Which he calmly let me talk out to him, and he re-assured me of his love and our life together through it all. Then he laid down with me and let me bury myself in his chest. He wrapped around me tight. "I'm little." I told him. "I know." he said, "You're allowed to be little sometimes." and he just held me. He just held me. 

There has never been a more perfect moment in my life.

Today I'm praying that every beating heart in this world has the chance, even if for just a moment, to feel as content - as perfectly, and completely content - as I did last night, escaping from everything, there in Levi's arms.

"It took me a long time, she said, to stop confusing safety with love." -Storypeople
I'm a firm believer that it's possible to feel both.

Today is going surprisingly quickly for an early Friday. Which is good. I have quite a bit to do tonight in Seattle preparation. Laundry being number one [number one on the list of my very LEAST favorite things to do anyway]. I also need to get something over to my sisters to take to my family's Thanksgiving on Thursday. Since we're going to be gone for it, I don't want them to think I wasn't thinking about them. I'm thinking Pumpkin Cheesecake Cupcakes. We'll see if it happens. Levi's probably working today - so much for that boy to get done before we leave. Vacations get a little stressy for him... We're excited though. I'm sure tonight will be busy as usual. We still need to watch Iron Man II. Maybe we'll actually get to that...wish us luck!

Whenever I'm cold.

I'm cold today.

Not quite this cold.

But pretty cold.

Cold enough to be thinking about this anyway.
Levi's favorite thing to do in Seattle is ride the ferry.
As it turns out, this girl actually likes it quite a bit too.
[That's surprising - I don't like water a single bit.]

This particular ferry ride consisted of sprinting up and down the deck trying to stay warm, ignoring the calls to "PLEASE RETURN TO YOUR VEHICLES", laughing as loud as we possibly could because we were the only [idiotic] people who dared the frigid outside, snapping pictures like we were drunk because we were shaking so bad, leaning into the wind, failing to talk through our chattering teeth, and other such nonsense.

Then. There was a moment. A moment when I don't remember feeling the cold at all. As the announcer made the "final call" to get back to the car deck, I ran back towards the door to the stairs. Levi caught me in the middle of it. He picked me up and swung me around. Quickly, at first, then slowly. As the spinning [all but] stopped, he let me down just low enough to be face to face. Then he kissed me. Another perfect kiss. Another perfect moment. Another footing lost as I fell helplessly and deeply in love with this perfect boy.

 It was one of those moments that doesn't happen unless it's written in a script.
Except of course if you're madly and hopelessly in love. Then those moments seem to happen all the time.
Which really is a good thing, because I could use the warmth.

I worked today, and even though the calendar said "Monday" I get to call this beautiful day, Thursday. Tomorrow is my last day at work then I'm off for T-Giving Break. I'm really quite excited. I came home and talked Levi's ear off while he finished up some work of his own. [I'm extra chatty when I get home from work, no one yet has quite figured out why. It's psychological, I'm sure.] Now we're outside doing some paving and enjoying the lovely company of the moths. The first of which Levi named Peter, and is convinced that this friend of his is only sleeping [I'm not so sure]. Then there was The Dark Night. Who chose his own fate when he confused my head as his landing ground. The most recent one didn't live long enough to even get a name.

Yes, we are aware we are sick, sick people. Thanks for the heads up. Nighty night.

On a Sunday.

Change.

What comes to mind when you hear that word? Do you puff out your chest and lock your jaw in an effort to tell the world, "I can take it!"? Or do you maybe sulk quietly into the nearest closet and shut the door hoping that no one will notice? Do you shrug your shoulders and brush it off, like it's no big deal?

Come on, people. Everyone likes being comfortable. Everyone likes to know what to expect. It's nice, time and again to have the security of a routine life. When something is different, oh how it tends to throw us off.

Yesterday we [Levi and I of course] were headed down to Fresh and Easy and when we got there Levi parked in a [completely] different parking spot than he usually does. Who does that?! I asked him what we were doing and why we were over here [and really all but threw a hissy fit]. He laughed at me and told me that it made him happy that change was a tough one for me to take, too. I laughed back and reminded him of my lets-take-a-stab-in-the-dark-and-decide-a-boy-is-worth-it-and-move-down-to-Arizona-within-the-week decision. Change? At least big change? I really, usually, tend to adjust pretty well. Levi on the other hand, has a hard time with it. The conversation continued and we started talking about [probably the biggest change in our near or not-so-near future]. Moving to Seattle.

Pause.

Ready for another [quick] background story? Once the week had come to an end and we were headed back to Utah, we were talking and laughing and cuddling and doing everything else you do on a 14 hour road trip with someone you just spent a week learning everything about [and basically falling in love with] and we started talking about "us" and "our dreams" again. [Even though, really, if we're being honest here we really still didn't even know what "us" was]. He started talking about me being a 12 hour road trip away and how hard it was going to be to not be able to see me every day. I started talking about how I wish we could have just stayed in Seattle and made our life there, just life. I'm not sure how it happened. All the sudden Levi was making a promise. No one will ever be able to say that the boy doesn't know how to take a chance. He told me, "I can make things happen. If you move to Arizona? I'll get us to Seattle in six months." Talk about stealing a girls heart. 

As a disclaimer and in my defense [and to save the boy some worry when he reads this to me in about five minutes], I would have come to Arizona anyway. Just being with Levi was definitely enough conviction for me to want to stay in Utah for as short a time as possible. My point of telling that story was solely as a foundation for today's.

 Play.

He talked about how nervous he was about the move. How much of a stretch it was going to be for him. Then, he set his face with a determined look and finished with, "But I'm going to do it. For you. We're going to get there." 

You know the song by Rascal Flatts? God Bless The Broken Road? "Every long lost dream, led me to where you are. Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars. Leading me on my way, into your loving arms. This much I know is true. That God blessed the broken road, that led me straight to you." I would have walked through fire if I'd known that it was leading toward getting to be with Levi. Getting to be with someone who can make up for me in the areas I lack, and who I can fill the cracks in, too. Whose dreams I can share. Whose dreams we can make happen together. I would have gone through anything to hear that I was helping someone who deserves so much, someone like Levi Roberts, get to where he wants to be. The fact that our dreams correlate so perfectly? Well that's just icing on the cake.

The point is, for this? I would have gone through anything.

SDD this week [Sunday Dinner at Dad's] was traditional. Perfectly shredable roast, mountains of mashed potatoes, enough gravy to soak your roll in. As usual, it was amazing. We stayed after to play poker - in which Levi smoked us all. Then stuck around to chat with our friend Whit for a while. We drove home enjoying the raindrops on the windshield and talked about how lovely it'll be to get to enjoy that up in Washington when we go in 3 days. Now that we're home I'm sitting in Levi's work room with him while he finishes up. We'll probably head downstairs for some Greys Anatomy or Iron Man 2 and leave the door open while we do. You just can't beat the smell of fresh rain mixing itself with the dust of the desert on a Sunday.